What Steve Harvey Forgot to Say
By Jay Thurman
Author/Speaker/Writing Consultant/Entrepreneur
Author of the book, "The Man-You-All (A Guide to Save Black Women Time, Money, and Energy)
Steve Harvey is a genius! He has created a branding empire. He is a multi-millionaire who rose from meager beginnings to take over the comedy world. Steve Harvey is a man who has always been a self starter and business man even from the very beginning. His accolades continue to increase even now as he successfully ventured into the world of being an author. His best-selling book titled "Act like a Lady-Think like a Man" has been critically acclaimed, not just by the African American community, but by all segments of society. When I was asked by CEO of CWR- Donell Edwards had I read the book I had to respond in kind by saying-no? I thought it would be a great opportunity to see what the fuss was about. Many ladies seem to ask me about how do I feel about Steve Harvey's book and I always say that," I welcome any opportunity for women to stop and discuss topics about not only men's points of view about relationships but their own." As a relationship guru I applaud an intelligent well thought out commentary about relationships.
Steve Harvey's Book is not the Bible for all women seeking answers about relationships with men. It is a perspective that a man who is aged and seasoned in the ways of women and the simple manipulation men perform on them talked about with fervor and passion.
However, the rules of engagement have been changed due to the myriad of options women now have. As style appears to change and technology appears to grow at a rapid rate consciousness about relationships have also changed. The key to having insight into the mind of a man is first having the insight into the mind of oneself, as a woman. I say this because for thousands of years women have laid back in the shadows wielding their sword of influence and power from the shadows. Now, women by the mere greatness have emerged and need a new way of dealing with the children (men) they expect to LOVE THEM. Steve Harvey has got some good points in reference to developing standards and developing a plan of attack. A lot of women "just go with the flow" and will not just admit that they do this because most of the time they don't know what they are doing with a man so, they just let him lead without any qualifiers. Expecting "a man to be a man" and do the things that a man is suppose to do is too broad and dangerous for women with their first encounter with a potential suitor. Decide what is good for you! Build a plan around you first and then the needs of outside entities second.
Steve Harvey has even got a good solid way to deter the riffraff that contaminate the intentions of a good woman.
Point: Find out if the price is too high.
Many men want the "free one" or "the hook-up" when it comes to dealing with women. Basically, men want to deal with as little as possible in pursuits of a woman's time, money and energy. Women usually don't let a man know what the price is because like all bad salesperson they are afraid of getting what they want, so they compromise lose focus and eventually lose the sale. But what Steve Harvey forgot to say was how important a plan is before you get into a situation. I commend him for trying to get the ladies to clean up their mess that they got themselves into, but what about a defensive and preemptive strike.
Example:
Plan to have a way to get home if the initial date or outing is going awry.
Plan to drive your own car, until you get to know him better, then keep driving.
Plan to have enough money to cover your half of the date.
Plan to take at least one self-defense course at your gym.
Plan to maximize your potential before and while in a relationship.
Plan to use your instincts instead of your heart.
Plan to overstand the workings of your own mind instead of a man's mind.
Plan to take classes at Home Improvement stores instead of looking for a man who has taken the class already.
Plan to redefine what a "man" means to you before a boy posing as a man walks up pretending again.
Stay Focused!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
"Healing From a Highly Emotional Break-up."
The old saying that "what doesn't kill you-BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... is convenient, but those are the quoted axioms of the lousy and "in love". They are not the sentiment of the heart broken and emotionally distraught. Their feelings are best left to sadness and loss, but why? What are they losing, but yet another great opportunity to learn about themselves? The agony many feel is heart wrenching and inconsolable, but is treatable and preventable.
Many people ache for the hand of sympathy and the epiphany of their misunderstood love. The many that feel hopeless are unaware that they have only to learn how to deal with their E-Motions or energy in motion.
From a very young age you should be taught how to deal with your emotions in a very functional and practical way. Unfortunately, there are adults that never learn how to deal with their emotions either, because their parents never taught them or their parent did not know themselves. The key to gaining emotional empowerment lay dormant within you and not someone or anything else.
Most people seek out the distraction of other people’s angst. Other people look for the distraction of food, sex and alcohol. And the rest are motivated by their self loathing. But here lies an opportunity to redeem from within and learn how to work on the “YOU”. People love the distraction of life, usually the lives of others, which give them the perfect opportunity to delay their innate healing.
It takes courage to heal, but it takes strength to stay focus and cancel out the distractions of fear and regret. I am not here to ask you to avoid people, places or things. All that I ask is that you ignore distractions that would delay your healing.
Preventable & Treatable Ways
The question on “How do you heal from a High E-motional break-up” is simple if you look at the anatomy of your emotional make up.
Ask yourself:
1. Are you a needy person?
2. Are you a co-dependent person?
3. Were you ever explained what emotions where?
4. Where does this pain hurt the most?
5. Do I know how to deal with separation and loss?
6. Is “Love” the reason I feel what I feel or have I not learned to process and separate my range of emotions from “LOVE.”
7. Could the other person just not be for me?
8. Is this my EGO making my decisions for me?
9. Does my need for loving someone else over shadow the real love I need for me?
10. How can I utilize this E- Motional (energy in motion) body to create a better life for me?
11. Do I know the difference between LOVE & LUST?
Challenging your expectations is another way of healing from a “Highly E-Motional” break-up.
The old saying that "what doesn't kill you-BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... is convenient, but those are the quoted axioms of the lousy and "in love". They are not the sentiment of the heart broken and emotionally distraught. Their feelings are best left to sadness and loss, but why? What are they losing, but yet another great opportunity to learn about themselves? The agony many feel is heart wrenching and inconsolable, but is treatable and preventable.
Many people ache for the hand of sympathy and the epiphany of their misunderstood love. The many that feel hopeless are unaware that they have only to learn how to deal with their E-Motions or energy in motion.
From a very young age you should be taught how to deal with your emotions in a very functional and practical way. Unfortunately, there are adults that never learn how to deal with their emotions either, because their parents never taught them or their parent did not know themselves. The key to gaining emotional empowerment lay dormant within you and not someone or anything else.
Most people seek out the distraction of other people’s angst. Other people look for the distraction of food, sex and alcohol. And the rest are motivated by their self loathing. But here lies an opportunity to redeem from within and learn how to work on the “YOU”. People love the distraction of life, usually the lives of others, which give them the perfect opportunity to delay their innate healing.
It takes courage to heal, but it takes strength to stay focus and cancel out the distractions of fear and regret. I am not here to ask you to avoid people, places or things. All that I ask is that you ignore distractions that would delay your healing.
Preventable & Treatable Ways
The question on “How do you heal from a High E-motional break-up” is simple if you look at the anatomy of your emotional make up.
Ask yourself:
1. Are you a needy person?
2. Are you a co-dependent person?
3. Were you ever explained what emotions where?
4. Where does this pain hurt the most?
5. Do I know how to deal with separation and loss?
6. Is “Love” the reason I feel what I feel or have I not learned to process and separate my range of emotions from “LOVE.”
7. Could the other person just not be for me?
8. Is this my EGO making my decisions for me?
9. Does my need for loving someone else over shadow the real love I need for me?
10. How can I utilize this E- Motional (energy in motion) body to create a better life for me?
11. Do I know the difference between LOVE & LUST?
Challenging your expectations is another way of healing from a “Highly E-Motional” break-up.
Am I a person that needs every emotional act reciprocated back to me?
If you are, c
If you are, c
orrect that immediately. Develop a method that would allow you to give of yourself freely without expecting something back. Usually people find it hard to do this because they feel, falsely, that they are being used. This is accompanied by a since of entitlement, however the truth of the matter is that no one owes you anything. However you owe yourself the world outside of selfish bargaining, you do, with the one you think you love.
Take the time to differentiate a passionate relationship from a passionate experience.
Often time we think we are having a passionate relationship when we are just having a passionate experience-it just last more than a one night stand. Our expectations on feelings rather perceived or unperceived set us up for emotionally disaster. Depending how we take on the feelings and onsite process of the experience determines proper healing. Learn where you are standing in the moment and see things as they are as opposed to the trappings of distorted fixations based in your crotch. Love the moment, encompassing every element, instead of just the person you are with.
No mathematical formula or vengeance can cure your dis-ease with yourself. You are the master of it all and your body mind and soul will tell when it is time to H.E.A.L. Tune into the healer within, it cures all.
Take the time to differentiate a passionate relationship from a passionate experience.
Often time we think we are having a passionate relationship when we are just having a passionate experience-it just last more than a one night stand. Our expectations on feelings rather perceived or unperceived set us up for emotionally disaster. Depending how we take on the feelings and onsite process of the experience determines proper healing. Learn where you are standing in the moment and see things as they are as opposed to the trappings of distorted fixations based in your crotch. Love the moment, encompassing every element, instead of just the person you are with.
No mathematical formula or vengeance can cure your dis-ease with yourself. You are the master of it all and your body mind and soul will tell when it is time to H.E.A.L. Tune into the healer within, it cures all.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Evacuation Plan
Do you have an evacuation plan? Chances are that if you are a black woman in a relationship or married you don't. The stats say that you need to have one.
STATISTICS
In a nationally representative survey, 29% of African American women and 12% of African American men report at least one instance of violence from an intimate partner. 1
African Americans account for 1/3 of the intimate partner homicides in this country 2 and have an intimate partner homicide rate four times that of whites. 3
Black women comprise 8% of the U.S. population but account for 20% of the intimate partner homicide victims. 2
Between 1976-1999, intimate partner deaths among African Americans decreased by 67%. 2 Intimate partner deaths have decreased most dramatically among black men: from 1976-1984, black men were more likely than black women to be a victim of domestic homicide; by 1996, black women were 1.6 times more likely to murdered by their mates. 2
The Statistics on Domestic Violence Are Shocking
Domestic violence occurs in an estimated 4 million intimate relationships each year in the United States. We are now recognizing and dealing with the urgency and severity of domestic violence in cities from coast to coast. The statistics reveal that domestic violence is one of the most important public health problems in our country and it is time that we all address this issue. Consider the following findings:
The Surgeon General of the United States reports that domestic violence causes more injury to adult women than cancers, heart attacks, or strokes.
FBI statistics point out that a woman is battered every 15-18 seconds in the United States.
More than three million children witness domestic violence, and more than four million women are battered to death by their husbands or boyfriends each year.
Approximately one third of female murder victims in the United States are killed by their husband or boyfriend.
What is an Evacuation Plan ? A evacuation plan is a course of action designed to save and preserve your life. It sole purpose is to extract you, safely, incase there is a potentially life threatening event.
1. Don't isolate yourself from people and resources that can offer you assistance. ( Do not move more than walking distance from any hospital, policed area or place that can visibillyi hide yourself from harm )
2. Learn where your predator will not go and plan to go there.
3. Collect visible forensic evidence, photograph and record what you can safely.
4. Have a friend that your predator does not know.
5. Keep a bag packed at all times.
6. Keep two sets of identification and important papers, keys etc.... This is so IMPORTANT!
7. Save some money and have a bank account that your predator does not know about.
8. Have important data on separate hard drive accessible to you and you only. ( A back up to your back up).
9. Get a passport. Keep one on deck.
10. Take a self defense class without your predator knowing about it! No, excuses find a way.
11. Read Law 22 Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power. (Go to your local book store and read this excerpt form Robert Greene's Book "The 48 Laws Of Power". This passage could save your life, literally) You don't have to buy this book just read it right there.
12. Leave immediately, when you can!
13. Don't trust the predators family . Nine time out of ten their loyalty is conditional and strictly based off the quality of the the relationship you have with your predator. Remember: They are his family, not yours!
14. Trust your instincts! When that voice tells you that something ain't right . Know that it was put there as a proof that the divine is always with you act.
15. Keep the maintenance up on your car!
16. ONLY TELL WHO IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR PLANS! Fight the urge to speak your life could depend on it. THE FEWER PEOPLE KNOW THE BETTER. Trust that most times your family members are plotting against you ,unbeknowst to even them, and their misplaced sense of caring can cost you your life. Don't let them talk you back in to HELL with the Devil.
STATISTICS
In a nationally representative survey, 29% of African American women and 12% of African American men report at least one instance of violence from an intimate partner. 1
African Americans account for 1/3 of the intimate partner homicides in this country 2 and have an intimate partner homicide rate four times that of whites. 3
Black women comprise 8% of the U.S. population but account for 20% of the intimate partner homicide victims. 2
Between 1976-1999, intimate partner deaths among African Americans decreased by 67%. 2 Intimate partner deaths have decreased most dramatically among black men: from 1976-1984, black men were more likely than black women to be a victim of domestic homicide; by 1996, black women were 1.6 times more likely to murdered by their mates. 2
The Statistics on Domestic Violence Are Shocking
Domestic violence occurs in an estimated 4 million intimate relationships each year in the United States. We are now recognizing and dealing with the urgency and severity of domestic violence in cities from coast to coast. The statistics reveal that domestic violence is one of the most important public health problems in our country and it is time that we all address this issue. Consider the following findings:
The Surgeon General of the United States reports that domestic violence causes more injury to adult women than cancers, heart attacks, or strokes.
FBI statistics point out that a woman is battered every 15-18 seconds in the United States.
More than three million children witness domestic violence, and more than four million women are battered to death by their husbands or boyfriends each year.
Approximately one third of female murder victims in the United States are killed by their husband or boyfriend.
What is an Evacuation Plan ? A evacuation plan is a course of action designed to save and preserve your life. It sole purpose is to extract you, safely, incase there is a potentially life threatening event.
1. Don't isolate yourself from people and resources that can offer you assistance. ( Do not move more than walking distance from any hospital, policed area or place that can visibillyi hide yourself from harm )
2. Learn where your predator will not go and plan to go there.
3. Collect visible forensic evidence, photograph and record what you can safely.
4. Have a friend that your predator does not know.
5. Keep a bag packed at all times.
6. Keep two sets of identification and important papers, keys etc.... This is so IMPORTANT!
7. Save some money and have a bank account that your predator does not know about.
8. Have important data on separate hard drive accessible to you and you only. ( A back up to your back up).
9. Get a passport. Keep one on deck.
10. Take a self defense class without your predator knowing about it! No, excuses find a way.
11. Read Law 22 Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power. (Go to your local book store and read this excerpt form Robert Greene's Book "The 48 Laws Of Power". This passage could save your life, literally) You don't have to buy this book just read it right there.
12. Leave immediately, when you can!
13. Don't trust the predators family . Nine time out of ten their loyalty is conditional and strictly based off the quality of the the relationship you have with your predator. Remember: They are his family, not yours!
14. Trust your instincts! When that voice tells you that something ain't right . Know that it was put there as a proof that the divine is always with you act.
15. Keep the maintenance up on your car!
16. ONLY TELL WHO IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR PLANS! Fight the urge to speak your life could depend on it. THE FEWER PEOPLE KNOW THE BETTER. Trust that most times your family members are plotting against you ,unbeknowst to even them, and their misplaced sense of caring can cost you your life. Don't let them talk you back in to HELL with the Devil.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
How much Do I Owe? Category: Romance and Relationships
How much do I owe?
By
J. Thurman
The general consensus is that chivalry is dead, no, he is just an overworked gigolo who has lost his meaning and function in today's society. Obligation and duty have crippled him and left him lame on a weak crutch duck taped and bending. A good question comes to mind is what obligations are women owed, if any. I think that simple gestures of common courtesy and respect have been taken for granted by most women who feel that they are owed just because they have a vagina. There are women who use men as a constant act of retribution defiling the good and generous nature of men, but the question is WHY. ( ANSWER: FREE STUFF)
Women use words like gentlemen as a more politically correct description instead of the word man-slave to mask there gender imposed rights to rule over mankind indirectly without raising a finger or brow. How obligated are men to serve women? Has the "Suppose To Clause" given women the right to treat men as objects of labor while women still deny men the right to be considered intellectual equals publicly as well as behind closed doors. Most women will deny that they thumb their noses up at men and claim they "love men", true, however most people only love what they own.
In the world of "normal socialization" of men and women there is an unspoken code of conduct that men are "suppose to" follow without question. Men pay and women do not, even when the coffers are overflowing. Men take the gunshot to protect the women, even when she started the egregious circumstances. Today's society has not allowed women to be responsible for their action when dealing with men on a whole their escape clause has always been "he is suppose to".
The creed has always been to protect the women for she bares the children and is the keeper of civilization. But every woman is not worthy of such honor and distinction. Most women do not need a man to protect them neither do they want children, certainly not for the reasons society has laid out.
So the question remains. What is a woman owed? Do men owe them a constant stream of frivolous indulgences that most women add on to a list of obligatory duty everyday, a list that ranges from cash gifts (loans) to a continual feeding of their feminine ego? Does every woman deserve a chair pulled out or a door opened? Do men give praise and courtesies away to easy without letting women earn them? The credo of ladies first is not just a song title or entitlement but it is something labored for universally. Men give away gallantry and other pleasantries with no regard of how it has affected most women and makes through them take for granted what other women had to earn from the sweat of their brow and fashioning of their character. Chivalry is a code of honor among men, but it has been adopted by women simply because there was no code among opposites sexes.
The concept of a gentlewoman is foreign and an adjective that has been lost drowned out by the demands of women screaming for a gentleman. A gentle -woman is defined as a well-bred woman or polite woman, not a tyrant constantly demanding and asking without any earned or deserved favor. Men as this culture has groomed them are subjugated to serve woman with pure and unquestionable obedience. A woman's right of passage is to be respected but giving respect in the realm of social interaction with men is blatantly ignored. Some women you talk to do not respect men hiding their disdain under sarcastic flirtatious gestures, jeers and mockery as they walk away.
Women feel that glimpses of electric sex is the key to man-nip-you-lating a man into serving their fancies but it is the hope of a kind and true expression not falsehood and treachery. Men are weak for sexual insinuations, that are universal, but men are even weaker for sincerity and authenticity which is something stronger than weak unimaginative eye batting or fake phone numbers.
Are there any gentlewomen who are willing to earn what they are asking for or are we indoctrinating another group of women who tell men that they are "suppose to" be nice (blindly obey) to them just because of their gender. Can you as a woman earn your rites of passage to be treated in a noble fashion or do men just have to pay what they owe and SHUT THE HELL UP?
How much do I owe?
By
J. Thurman
The general consensus is that chivalry is dead, no, he is just an overworked gigolo who has lost his meaning and function in today's society. Obligation and duty have crippled him and left him lame on a weak crutch duck taped and bending. A good question comes to mind is what obligations are women owed, if any. I think that simple gestures of common courtesy and respect have been taken for granted by most women who feel that they are owed just because they have a vagina. There are women who use men as a constant act of retribution defiling the good and generous nature of men, but the question is WHY. ( ANSWER: FREE STUFF)
Women use words like gentlemen as a more politically correct description instead of the word man-slave to mask there gender imposed rights to rule over mankind indirectly without raising a finger or brow. How obligated are men to serve women? Has the "Suppose To Clause" given women the right to treat men as objects of labor while women still deny men the right to be considered intellectual equals publicly as well as behind closed doors. Most women will deny that they thumb their noses up at men and claim they "love men", true, however most people only love what they own.
In the world of "normal socialization" of men and women there is an unspoken code of conduct that men are "suppose to" follow without question. Men pay and women do not, even when the coffers are overflowing. Men take the gunshot to protect the women, even when she started the egregious circumstances. Today's society has not allowed women to be responsible for their action when dealing with men on a whole their escape clause has always been "he is suppose to".
The creed has always been to protect the women for she bares the children and is the keeper of civilization. But every woman is not worthy of such honor and distinction. Most women do not need a man to protect them neither do they want children, certainly not for the reasons society has laid out.
So the question remains. What is a woman owed? Do men owe them a constant stream of frivolous indulgences that most women add on to a list of obligatory duty everyday, a list that ranges from cash gifts (loans) to a continual feeding of their feminine ego? Does every woman deserve a chair pulled out or a door opened? Do men give praise and courtesies away to easy without letting women earn them? The credo of ladies first is not just a song title or entitlement but it is something labored for universally. Men give away gallantry and other pleasantries with no regard of how it has affected most women and makes through them take for granted what other women had to earn from the sweat of their brow and fashioning of their character. Chivalry is a code of honor among men, but it has been adopted by women simply because there was no code among opposites sexes.
The concept of a gentlewoman is foreign and an adjective that has been lost drowned out by the demands of women screaming for a gentleman. A gentle -woman is defined as a well-bred woman or polite woman, not a tyrant constantly demanding and asking without any earned or deserved favor. Men as this culture has groomed them are subjugated to serve woman with pure and unquestionable obedience. A woman's right of passage is to be respected but giving respect in the realm of social interaction with men is blatantly ignored. Some women you talk to do not respect men hiding their disdain under sarcastic flirtatious gestures, jeers and mockery as they walk away.
Women feel that glimpses of electric sex is the key to man-nip-you-lating a man into serving their fancies but it is the hope of a kind and true expression not falsehood and treachery. Men are weak for sexual insinuations, that are universal, but men are even weaker for sincerity and authenticity which is something stronger than weak unimaginative eye batting or fake phone numbers.
Are there any gentlewomen who are willing to earn what they are asking for or are we indoctrinating another group of women who tell men that they are "suppose to" be nice (blindly obey) to them just because of their gender. Can you as a woman earn your rites of passage to be treated in a noble fashion or do men just have to pay what they owe and SHUT THE HELL UP?
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